You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
