I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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