oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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