i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
