Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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