I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
