I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
