you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
