someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
