I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
