if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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