omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
