A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
