Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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