Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
