So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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