you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
