you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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