i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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