Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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