I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
