Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
