She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
