....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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