I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
