The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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