If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
