Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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