I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Come on in and take your pants off
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