got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
