drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
