There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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