Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
