Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
