your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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