Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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