My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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