Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
