I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
