I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I've blown a few things in my day
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
