I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
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Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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