so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you made out with another girl for some wings
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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