i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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