i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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