did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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