moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
