I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
