you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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