First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
