i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
