Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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