i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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