And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
