a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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