Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
