I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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