I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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