plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
