Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
