Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Randomize
