after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
