My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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