I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
